YOU RESCUE ME, I RESCUE YOU [231]

So, how are your New Year’s resolutions going?

To all those that declared that 2020 was going to be “their” year, it feels natural to write it off as a false start, and skip to 2021. Twelve days were “lost” when the Gregorian calendar replaced the Julian calendar, in Europe, in 1582 – we could do it again! Australia could have Christmas in winter!

Addressing severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-CoV-2), the cause of coronavirus disease 2 (COVID-19), has taken time because I believed doing so would not be helpful. Realising I needed to do it for myself, concerns over tone, and point of view, melted away. We all need hope, but we have our own hopes.

I understand the characterisation of the fight against coronavirus as a war, because of our collective memory of the last national emergency on this scale, mobilising an entire country against a common enemy, even if the Queen saying “we’ll meet again” at the end of her special broadcast made me think of “Dr. Strangelove.” 

But this enemy has no strategy, forcing sacrifices in routine not seen even during the Second World War, for our bodies are under attack, not our homes. (I know it didn’t stop Donald Trump calling coronavirus “a brilliant enemy... genius... hidden, but very smart,” but his words surprise no-one anymore.) Coronavirus may not be a plague, or a pox, but my mind headed there. Reading the diary of Samuel Pepys from late 1665, recounting the figures from the weekly bill of mortality, and hoping the impending frost will flush out the plague from London, is not far from our hourly news bulletins and talks of an “exit strategy.”

My exit strategy from coronavirus is set – having studiously followed Government advice to stay at home, leaving only for exercise or to buy essentials, I’ve had time to think. I needed a haircut before the UK was locked down, and it is now my priority - it’s weighing my head down. I will then head to a restaurant, most likely Five Guys – my burger toppings are “all the way,” with no ketchup. I fixed on these two actions as the signs of a return to normality, and decided not to question them further.

Once these are done, I can assess how my actions will change, just as everyone adjusts to new realities. The short version of the rebuilding of London after the Great Plague, followed by the Great Fire, was that a competition was held to devise a new layout for the city, but abandoned with the need to start rebuilding quickly... but the closed sewers, wider streets and installation of pavements to separate the public from the road ensured lessons were learnt just as fast.

In April 2020, we cannot yet say what we will change, but when a respirator can be conceived, designed, and approved for medical use within days, innovation caused by necessity will outstrip wish lists and ideology – see Brexit for further details. I have made attempts to order a contactless debit card, with cash being accepted in fewer shops, and have made changes at home to continue working. At the same time, internet networks will be strengthened to take a shift to working online that may eventually stay. Virtual or phone-based GP appointments, formerly a compromise, are mostly the only option right now, but more people are ready to accommodate them. Some shops that have adopted a delivery-only model during the crisis may continue in this manner without reopening their physical location. More consideration is going to be given to ideas previously dismissed as inconceivable, like a universal basic income, due to emergency measures like the Government-paid furlough in the UK. It would be a mistake to expect things to go back to normal – at least, not straight away.

There are also things that never change. Mobile phone masts have been attacked in the UK over the misplaced belief that the electromagnetic waves generated by 5G mobile signals make changes to people’s bodies, that will make them more susceptible to coronavirus. However, this conspiracy theory, itself spread by 5G being adopted first in more densely populated cities, ignores the fact that those frequencies use capacity vacated by digital television, so not only did these waves already exist, they were being used to broadcast “You’ve Been Framed!”

Meanwhile, as people stay at home, television increasingly resembles the YouTube series of “Leigh Spence is Dancing with the Gatekeepers.” My tips for making your video calls look better are very simple: sit or stand back from the camera, have the lens at your eye level, instead of looking down or up at your device, and use cool white lightbulbs at home instead of warm ones. My only extras are an external microphone and green screen, and you don’t need either of those.

I won’t go as far as saying “we’ll meet again,” but I look forward to saying “Happy New Year” again.

WATCH OUT, BEADLE'S ABOUT [26]

If there was ever a patron saint for this site, it would be someone that built an extension to their house contain their personal library of over twenty thousand books. There was a time when facts, even trivia, were the result of hard-thought searches, and Jeremy Beadle (1948-2008), writer of many trivia and quiz books, wanted to be the British equivalent of Robert Ripley, he of the “Believe It or Not!” series of cartoon strips, TV shows and museums. However, Beadle’s engaging personality made him the face of a series of TV programmes that proved the viewers at home were as entertaining as the people they watched.

Now you have the Laurie Holloway’s infuriatingly catchy theme tune for “Beadle’s About” in your head, it is fitting to form a picture of Jeremy Beadle through a series of “did you knows”:

·         Through a number of jobs, from taxi driver to tour guide, Beadle became editor of a Manchester version of the listings magazine “Time Out,” which was ultimately short-lived. He later helped organise the Bickershaw Festival in Wigan, in 1972, known to this day both for the bringing in acts like the Grateful Dead, Captain Beefheart, Hawkwind and The Kinks, and also for dissolving into a sea of mud.

·         Beadle’s first presenting job was on BBC Radio London, in 1974, for a programme about the Campaign for Real Ale, on whose executive committee he sat – earlier this year, its job declared done, the Campaign started considering whether to start saving pubs instead.

·         Beadle secured a job writing questions for the quiz show “Celebrity Squares” by sending samples to its host, Bob Monkhouse, who also wrote questions for the shows he presented – the two assumptions to be made are that the questions were of a high quality, and the decision to send them to Monkhouse without the answers was entirely deliberate.

·         Much like Richard Osman’s role on “Pointless,” Beadle became the presenter of ITV’s audience participation show “Game for a Laugh” (1981-85) because the best person to put on the air was the one that describes the show the best, drawing the audience in the most.

·         “Game For A Laugh” was a mix of studio games and hidden camera stunts, the former adapted from the US game show “Truth or Consequences” – a town in New Mexico renamed itself after the show to attract it for a visit, and remains under this name to this day. The stunts were continued in “Beadle’s About” (1986-96), and joined by unintentional versions of the same in “You’ve Been Framed,” which began in 1990.

·         A short-lived, pre-YouTube showcase for videos made by the public, “Beadle’s Hot Shots,” received a video from future film director Edgar Wright (“Shaun of the Dead,” “Hot Fuzz,” “The World’s End”) – he was featured on the pilot, and worked as a researcher on the first series.  

·         Beadle’s ITV shows ended in 1997, after appearing on screen at least once every weekend for years. However, the books continued, series on radio and television continued, as well as an interesting Channel 5 quiz show, named “Win Beadle’s Money” – he only lost his appearance fee eight times out of 52 shows.

·         Jeremy Beadle raised an estimated £100 million for charity in his lifetime, including for the charities Children with Leukaemia, and for Reach, a charity to help children with hand or arm deficiencies, and their parents. That Beadle was among the first people with a disability to appear regularly on television - he had a stunted right hand resulting from having suffered from Poland Syndrome as a child - and to have that not be an issue for the entire time he was in the public eye, is as remarkable as Paralympics GB’s successes in London and Rio de Janeiro.

·         Anyone that convinces a person, in this case a Janet Elford, from Dorset, to sincerely ask an “alien” if they want a cup of tea, deserves to be remembered.