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Following on from my discussion about “The One Show”, and with “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert” ending in May 2026, I am not likely to become famous enough in time to answer the “Colbert Questionert”, a litmus test made of questions that makes a guest truly known, with a title punning on the pronunciation of the host’s name.
While I have already said I don’t usually watch the American chat shows for their interviews, I make an exception for this feature to see how various people answer the same questions, and whether they see each question as a need to make a snap judgement, or whether it gives pause to ruminate, or another chance to perform. Either way, I can see the “Colbert Questionert” continuing to the podcast that Colbert will inevitably do next - maybe I will be properly answer it someday.
I imagine some questions (or answers) are cut for time, so not all the following questions are heard being asked to everyone, and so I have no guarantee of this being a complete list of all the questions. I treated them as snap judgments, so these answers are as true as I can make them.
Best sandwich?
In alphabetical order: chicken, lettuce, salad cream, tomato.
What is the scariest animal?
If not man, then spiders.
Apples or oranges?
Oranges: messier to deal with, but a softer, less acidic taste. You don’t really get apple-flavoured chocolate.
What was your first concert?
The Cross, at Gosport Festival in July 1993. It was the solo / “other band” project of Roger Taylor, the drummer from Queen, with lots of guests. With it still not being long since Freddie Mercury died, it was undeniably thrilling to clap and hold your arms out to the chorus of “Radio Gaga”, as the man who wrote it sang it to you.
Cats or dogs?
Not a pet person, but cats.
What's one thing you own that you really should throw out?
A small circular pillow with a painting of a hedgehog printed on it, a runner-up prize from a family Christmas Day quiz some years ago.
Have you ever asked someone for their autograph?
Yes, from Paul Gannon & Eli Silverman of the "CheapShow" podcast for their vinyl album, but in a non-committal “if you want to” kind of way - of course they did.
What do you think happens when we die?
My energy is redistributed, and things carry on from there.
Favourite action movie?
“The Matrix”, a choice apparently shared with both Sandra Bullock and Matt Damon.
Window or aisle?
On a bus or coach: window. On a plane: aisle.
Favourite smell?
Real vanilla.
Least favourite smell?
Excrement of any kind.
Exercise: worth it?
Disguise it as a good walk, then I’m sold.
Flat or sparkling?
Flat - if a “still” Diet Coke ever comes to market, I will be first in line.
Most used app on your phone?
Its web browser, for nearly two thirds of the time, constantly reading and searching for things.
You get one song to listen to for the rest of your life: what is it? (You can listen to music whenever you like, but when you do, it is only this song.)
“Station to Station” by David Bowie, specifically from his “Stage” live album – the exhilarating rush of “woo-hoo-hoo-hoo, it’s too late” by its end makes it a better version for me than the original studio version.
What number am I thinking of?
Fourteen. (I know it’s wrong, it’s always wrong.)
Describe the rest of your life in 5 words?
Wouldn’t I like to know.
Congratulations, I am known.
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